I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
