You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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