Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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