oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
