new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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