fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
