It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
