I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
