Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
