when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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