i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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