I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
