RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We are all done wearing pants today
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
