I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
