I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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