yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
