he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
