Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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