I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Houston, we have a squirter
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
