I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize