When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
