hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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