Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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