is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
