please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
