I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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