everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
