Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
