Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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