Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize