Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
