Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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