Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize