Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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