You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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