I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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