The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
