why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
