Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
