Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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