I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Randomize
