Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
This is classic penis vs brain.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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