Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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