You made me cry and you don't even care
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
