My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
