Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
