Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize