Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
