There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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