got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
