the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
