That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
