I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
