I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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