so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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