There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
