god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
