My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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