What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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