I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
