Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
