The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize