I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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