my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
