i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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